Tom Hiddleston on Playing a Villain and Being an Avengers Heartthrob (by PopSugarTV)

Kay, so we’re gonna take a break from my usual headmate/space-related posting to talk more about the Avengers; more specifically, about Loki.

Now, all the rest of the internet is pretty much already doing that, to the point some people are starting to get sick of it (or at least those of us trying to find things non-Loki related under the Avengers tags :P ), but most of it is mindless squeeing over either the character or the actor (not that I’m condemning that. Dear god, most of my life is spent mindlessly squeeing over something or other. Please, squee to your hearts content). I want to talk about Loki. Tom Hiddleston up there says a couple of things that I really agree with, and I feel like I have to elaborate on that a little.

The first thing is Loki’s sanity. “Bag of cats” is… not the first words I would use, but after thinking about it some, I think it’s a pretty apt phrase. Loki’s descent is a descent that appears to be towards madness, or at least a complete disregard for everyone and everything around him. His mind is so full of so many things that, on bad day I don’t think even he can keep track of it all. Heck, probably even on a normal day. More then that, his emotions are like a spiral- it’s like they grab a hold of him and he can’t get away, even if he thought to try. He becomes thoroughly consumed by the lies and betrayal he’s suffered, and based pretty much everything after them on it… debatably even up to the Avengers film itself, albiet with some added insanity twisting his thoughts and emotions in and around themselves.

I rewatched Thor today, just to see those early signs, trying to pinpoint where he went from quickly escalating attempts at gaining approval from his family to the same thing, but on a scale that would do exactly the opposite (where he’s obviously stopped thinking completely clearly) and finally to a complete resignation.

Well, I shouldn’t say resignation. Not yet- the beginning and middle of the Avengers definately has the edges of madness crawling in him (if not more). But by the end of the movie, there’s a regret there, one I don’t think was faked. Why did he stab Thor then? Why did he keep refusing Thor’s attempts at reconciliation? And here is where I think that resignation comes in. He beleives he’s gone too far to turn back, regardless of what his brother (or some deep, buried part of himself) wants to hope. There’s a part of me that agrees with him. One does not kill that many people, and rip out a persons eye with a manic look of glee on their face and call themselves anywhere near mentally stable. There’s something to be said for the fall he took off of the Bifrost, which I’ve heard probably did less then good things to his already unstable mental state. Does that make his actions forgivable, or perhaps even just redeemable, long term? I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe. Maybe not.

Tom Hiddleston says in this interview that there is a chance Loki can be redeemed. I do agree with that (and hey, who knows the character better then the guy who’s playing him? Well, at least when it’s a guy like this one, who I think did his level best to know who and why Loki was from the outset. That’s what makes the best actors, you know). I watch Thor the movie, and I see someone who, a little mentally unstable, who has been looked down on, lied to.. Who knows how badly. To the point he can’t see just how much Thor cares for him as his brother- which is so much. Painfully so. I have family feels; hell, my tumblr name is based off it. Kind of. The one I actually wanted was taken, but it was also family-oriented, so it still counts.

Off-topic. Sorry.

Anyways, point is, it breaks my heart to see their family broken apart, and how it could someday be mended, if things would just go a little bit right for them. And it could, if Loki could see those chances that keep slipping past him- or when he can see them, trust enough in both himself and others to take them. He’s jumped off the slippery slope, and he knows it. The chances he can take will become fewer and farther between the longer it takes him to realise that he has them. Whether or not he will is a matter of time will tell- and whether or not the film-makers decide to go with “tried and true villain of the week” formula that everyone has seen before, or maybe try to change the good old status quo a little.

Personally, I do hope Loki get’s on that path to redemption. Hell, you could probably do a whole film series based solely on that if it were done right. One more movie, maybe two, of Loki being the villain/conflicted, a movie on the decision to change, and… a lot, on the path itself. Acceptance and forgiveness are not things easily attained, after the things he’s done, but I do think he could do it eventually. And hey, Thor would be there every step of the way, I’m sure. Cause he’s cool like that.

And I say that many movies because there would be all sorts of awesome stuff happening on the Avengers side of things too. Not as filler- it wouldn’t be an Avengers movie if they were just filler- but to go with just enough Loki development to keep it all interesting. And let’s face it, I am supremely bored of the standard villain, and would be terribly saddened by all that wasted potential if they went that route with Loki. Maybe I’m naive, but isn’t that kind of like saying “You do a bad thing there’s no point in regretting it because you’re fucked?”

Now, granted, that doesn’t usually apply to people who attempt genocide and curb-stomp entire cities. Then again, there is a reason this is fiction. I can still empathize with the pain and confusion he’s going through without being quite as stricken by the death toll.

I’m not quite as taken with Loki as the rest of the internet, I think (honestly, I can’t really pick a favorite from the Avengers movie. I really can’t. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF THEM), but I still feel for him so much. He’s been lied to his whole life by the people he looked up to and trusted most- and that lie is that he is part of a race that is almost universally despised by everyone around him. That would hurt. That would hurt beyond words, as Loki demonstrates. And even by the end of Thor, he still cares- he takes his anger and somehow manages to twist his emotions and reasoning enough to blame it all on the race that birthed him. He doesn’t kill Odin while he’s sleeping, and he never says a single angry word to his mother (who, I beleive is almost the only person that Loki would still admit to (himself) caring about even at his absolute lowest). He doesn’t go after Odin with his new Chitauri army- he doesn’t even seem to be planning on it. He does stab Thor, but it’s not a terribly long blade- by the looks of it, it only barely went through his armour, and we’ve seen him do worse (and hey, pretty much the only point for a blade that short, especially for Norse Gods, would be for it to be poisoned. Since Thor did not drop dead at any point, I’d say that’s little telling, huh? Of course, there’s no telling if Norse Gods are susceptible to poison, but we’ll say that they are, for arguments sake).

(EDIT EDIT SHIT GUYS EDIT: Alright, I will admit, I totally forgot about one scene; and once I did remember, it kind of threw a wrench in my nice little theory up there… for a minute. Until I started looking at it through Loki’s eyes. It’s the scene where Loki tricked Thor into the special glass cage that was made for the Hulk. He didn’t seem very concerned, did he? Now, keeping in mind that this is mid-movie and everything he does seems tinted with at least a hint of madness, it still just didn’t seem to fit until I walked the whole scene through step by step through his eyes. And it went something like this:

He tricks Thor into the container. Nothing terribly special there, typical Loki’ness. He taunts Thor a little (about what, I can’t quite remember, but stuff). Again, fairly typical. He looks like he’s going to press the button to release the cage, but he hesitates- there is still something there, despite everything. He doesn’t want to kill his brother. Not without a second thought at least. What he would have done is unknown though, as only a moment later, Agent Coulson steps in, brandishing his bigass gun. To Loki, this man is only another roadblock, and not even a particularly significant one, on his road to being acknowledged as an equal Glory. And kills him without a second thought.

Here’s where things changed.

Thor is grief-stricken, and to Loki, that is what seals everything. Loki knows Thor would never forgive the murder of a friend. To Loki, this means that now not even Thor will accept him, in any way. So the next time he approaches the button, the hesitation is no more then the breifest flutter of the hand. He cannot stand the thought of his brother hating him like that, so he kills him. The logic is twisted, but I did mention how much insanity was rolling around during that portion of the movie, right?

I was actually going to base my argument on how Thor had cracked the glass with Mjolner already- one more good hit would have him free, and Loki would probably have recognised that at least subconsciously. The problem with that argument is that it was still far too risky, even for a chess-master like Loki. Not to mention I didn’t get that vibe from him at all- yes, he did subconsciously know Thor could probably break free, but that’s just it. Subconsciously. It was no where near the front of him mind. In the front of his mind, he was killing Thor. And that’s it. The reasons for why are just a little more complicated, is all)

So he cares, but he does terrible things. He could so easily have been a good guy, yet he walks the path of villainy. He could be redeemed, but he doesn’t think he can. He tries so damn hard, but it seems like, no matter his goal, it just never goes his way.

And the terrible irony of it all; he started it, everything, to prove that he was a good son. That he was not a monster. And in doing so became one.

Conversations and a final return to that Thing that happened a while back

(Hey look! I figured out how to work the Read More thingy! Now I won’t be spamming you all with huge brick walls of text!)

Because yes, We are coming back to this issue. Last time I do a full post about it though, I swear. In script form because it’s less effort and I can only do… what was it? Third person omniscient? Anyways, I can’t write out everything Blue was thinking/thinks of this now, because reasons. So script. Anyways. Uses of ‘me’ and ‘I’ are scattered in inappropriate place because sometimes any other phrasing just doesn’t work. Try to roll with it. Anyways, this starts near the end of Day 3, since most of the rest of that time was fairly boringly spent feeling like something was off and generally just uncomfortable.

Read More

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strangeloops:

thenewenlightenmentage:

Mind-Pops: Psychologists Begin to Study an Unusual form of Proustian Memory
Sudden, unannounced memories might help people make connections between disparate ideas more quickly—but they might also be the building blocks of hallucinations.
Lia Kvavilashvili sat in her office at the University of Hertfordshire, mentally reviewing a study she had recently published. She knew that there was a particular statistical measure that might have been useful in the study, but she could not remember its name. Frustrated, she got up to make a cup of tea. Suddenly the word “hurdle” popped into her mind, unannounced, uninvited. Kvavilashvili—who grew up in Georgia speaking Georgian, Russian and Estonian, and only started to learn English at age 13—had no idea what “hurdle” meant. She looked it up in her dictionary:
Hurdle (noun) 1. A portable barrier over which athletes jump in a race. 2. A difficult problem to be overcome; obstacle.
Continue Reading

Wow. Reading that? It’s like people are just learning what walking is and I am running around them in circles. The things they are describing are near constant for me, and then they branch, associationally, into other “pops” or memories. Sometimes, like they said, I can string them together, sometimes, I can’t. But a few a week? What? Try a few an hour at least. Constant.
This is what I keep trying to describe here, with memories and thoughts and how they work. About how they seem to be free floating.
It’s funny that the article talks about linking it to creativity but not about bipolar. Normally bipolar is right before schizophrenia when talking about creative associational thinking. It’s interesting that they mention intrusive thoughts, and PTSD, and not dissociation. I don’t know, My mind i spinning at how rare they say these things are for most people. If I don’t fill it, these things are overwhelming. They aren’t traumatic, they are just… these pops. Random, but they demand attention. And they come in streams, sometimes, especially when they are memories, non-stop.
Sorry, I want to say something more, something insightful, but I’m still boggled by the tiny numbers in the article. It makes me wonder if something is really up that I should be worried about. I have an appointment tomorrow. I guess I’ll ask.

Interesting- I’m equally boggled by those numbers too. Once or twice every six months? I don’t think I get them as often as you do, but six months for the average person? Once or twice a day, at least!
Interesting that they mentioned ear worms though. Very, very rarely do I not have some type of music playing in my head; far from being irritating, I rather like my ear worms. My head feel oppressively empty if I go without an ear worm for more then a day or two. It doesn’t surprise me that the two are related though- not always, but it’s not totally uncommon for a new ear worm to start with a new activity (or just pop in at random, which is more often the case). It’s not always an appropriate ear worm (Palladio by Escala to doing the dishes, anyone?), but still.
Anyways, it’d be interesting to see just what kind of link is there, and what the brainy science people come up with, and see if/how it relates to our own little worlds. Already you’ve noted you’ve talked about this sort of thing a lot. Be interesting to see how things go.

strangeloops:

thenewenlightenmentage:

Mind-Pops: Psychologists Begin to Study an Unusual form of Proustian Memory

Sudden, unannounced memories might help people make connections between disparate ideas more quickly—but they might also be the building blocks of hallucinations.

Lia Kvavilashvili sat in her office at the University of Hertfordshire, mentally reviewing a study she had recently published. She knew that there was a particular statistical measure that might have been useful in the study, but she could not remember its name. Frustrated, she got up to make a cup of tea.

Suddenly the word “hurdle” popped into her mind, unannounced, uninvited. Kvavilashvili—who grew up in Georgia speaking Georgian, Russian and Estonian, and only started to learn English at age 13—had no idea what “hurdle” meant. She looked it up in her dictionary:

Hurdle (noun) 1. A portable barrier over which athletes jump in a race. 2. A difficult problem to be overcome; obstacle.

Continue Reading

Wow. Reading that? It’s like people are just learning what walking is and I am running around them in circles. The things they are describing are near constant for me, and then they branch, associationally, into other “pops” or memories. Sometimes, like they said, I can string them together, sometimes, I can’t. But a few a week? What? Try a few an hour at least. Constant.

This is what I keep trying to describe here, with memories and thoughts and how they work. About how they seem to be free floating.

It’s funny that the article talks about linking it to creativity but not about bipolar. Normally bipolar is right before schizophrenia when talking about creative associational thinking. It’s interesting that they mention intrusive thoughts, and PTSD, and not dissociation. I don’t know, My mind i spinning at how rare they say these things are for most people. If I don’t fill it, these things are overwhelming. They aren’t traumatic, they are just… these pops. Random, but they demand attention. And they come in streams, sometimes, especially when they are memories, non-stop.

Sorry, I want to say something more, something insightful, but I’m still boggled by the tiny numbers in the article. It makes me wonder if something is really up that I should be worried about. I have an appointment tomorrow. I guess I’ll ask.

Interesting- I’m equally boggled by those numbers too. Once or twice every six months? I don’t think I get them as often as you do, but six months for the average person? Once or twice a day, at least!

Interesting that they mentioned ear worms though. Very, very rarely do I not have some type of music playing in my head; far from being irritating, I rather like my ear worms. My head feel oppressively empty if I go without an ear worm for more then a day or two. It doesn’t surprise me that the two are related though- not always, but it’s not totally uncommon for a new ear worm to start with a new activity (or just pop in at random, which is more often the case). It’s not always an appropriate ear worm (Palladio by Escala to doing the dishes, anyone?), but still.

Anyways, it’d be interesting to see just what kind of link is there, and what the brainy science people come up with, and see if/how it relates to our own little worlds. Already you’ve noted you’ve talked about this sort of thing a lot. Be interesting to see how things go.

38 notes

So we just spent two hours typing out a big long spiel about camping, and Blue’s continuing angst issues.

And we just lost it.

And the undo button won’t work.

askgapfjslgk

D:>

I hate it when this happens.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Really, really long post short: We saw Lifeline and he seems to be doing good. Yay! We went camping. Also Yay! A couple of weeks back Blue spent three days under the delusion she was me, despite tons of evidence and feels and Axel (attempting to) saying otherwise. Not yay. In fact, she’s really having issues with this one. Like a lot. Like beleiving it was a “fate worse then death” a lot. I’m almost tempted to swing Blue back out again to retype it all, because it’s really bothering her. Maybe later. We just finished typing a lot of different stuff. I was looking forward to being done for a bit. >:/

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I end up posting a lot of things between 1 and 4 in the morning it seems.

Sometimes I’ll suddenly realise I haven’t talked to Blue, or even felt her presence, in several consecutive hours and I panic.

Then she yells angry gibberish at me and I realise it’s 4 am and everyone else is trying to sleep.

0 notes

pettankoprincess:

Was ANYONE ELSE thinking about this when they were watching the last half hour of The Avengers?
Or am I just a total nerd?

I’ve mentioned this time and time again to the people I’ve gone to see the Avengers with. None of them beleive me! It’s true though! It is!

pettankoprincess:

Was ANYONE ELSE thinking about this when they were watching the last half hour of The Avengers?

Or am I just a total nerd?

I’ve mentioned this time and time again to the people I’ve gone to see the Avengers with. None of them beleive me! It’s true though! It is!

16 notes

MAJOR AVENGERS SPOILERS IF YOUR SILLY ENOUGH TO HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET

Movie night was fun. Everybody enjoyed themselves, siblings, headmates, and all. As for opinions- Well, I don’t know about my siblings much except “that was awesome!” And “I liked that part where Hulk flung Loki around like (something you fling around smashing into walls with ease)”. Speaking of which, Axel laughed out loud during that part, and despite only moderate liking for the character up to that point, stated “I like this guy.”

His favorite was Pepper Potts though. Can’t imagine why (he really liked those short short denims she had in the beginning. Brave and intelligent were also factors, but it was mostly the short shorts). Suffice to say, he was disapointed when she didn’t show up again until the very end. Considering how many times I’ve watched Ironman1/2, I’m surprised at how little he knew about it. I guess another movie night is in the future.

Still thinking Axel; I predicted he would connect with the Tony Stark character- not written anywhere, but in my head I did.

ahahahaaaaa…. I should know better. Classic Alpha Male dogfight syndrome. Technically, Axel doesn’t fit the typical signs of an Alpha, but he would still rise to a challenge if goaded the right way- and Stark is definately the type of person to know exactly the right way. No, I do not know who would come out on top of that particular scuffle. I don’t even know if it would stay verbal. Anyways, never the twain shall meet… in my head anyways.

Blue’s favorite was also one of mine, strangely enough in this case: Captain America. Now, we are not Americans, and have a big fat Zero for American patriotism, so we were both surprised when we connected so strongly with Cap. There’s just something so adorably earnest about him. Blue would also like to mention he had the body of an Adonis. Meh. Thor was my ultimate favorite though. Aside Stark, I think he gets the most character development, and I am a sucker for that.

Anyways, Blue was, as I mentioned earlier, totally spoiled on Coulsen’s death, but I did manage to keep from her how, so it still had that punch to it (mostly). She almost cried when Fury brought out his blood-covered trading cards. She is also furious with him now that internet seems to be implying that Fury lied in order to jump-start the Avengers, and Coulsen might in fact still be alive (and Tony might know about it. Maybe)

Me? I think it’s BS, because it’s kind of hard to be less dead when you stop breathing on-screen. Now, there is a chance he was legally dead for a bit, and they managed to bring him back, but man…. I dunno. I doubt it. Kind of hard to get deader then that. Not to mention, it doesn’t take very long for the brain to get oxygen starved- the time it take to resucitate, mend the damage, keep him from dying again… Like I said, I ain’t no Med student, I know next to nothing about medicine (not the movies follow that sort of thing anyways most of the time) but I just can’t find it likely.

Anyways, after the movie We went out with Blue and I’s parents for a ride. We’re all avid motorcyclists, so the chance to ride with them once in a while is definately nice. Blue usually accompanies in one form or another (she doesn’t usually drive though. Makes her nervous- she thinks to much about what could happen if something went wrong, and how she doesn’t have as much experiance as I do.

Of course, experiance only comes with time and practice, but it’s a little difficult when you’re doing Parking Lot Practice and people notice that you can go from being able to do a snake with only a parking space width between the pylons to… unable to complete a basic turn without putting a foot down. I’m exagerating a little bit on the skill difference, but trust me when I say it would be noticable. Of course, I’m a lot out of practice myself, due to there not being an abundance of places with which to practice in, or people to practice with. So we were both practicing tonight, on and off. Even Axel put in his two cents on occasion (well, mostly just to tell me to got faster. The irony is killer. Because of this: http://shyrstyne.deviantart.com/gallery/24337008#/d2qcybg

Axel does not like me driving. At all. Not as bad as he used to be, but he still don’t like it much.

Today he discovered motorcycles. 

*ALL OF MY GLEE*

We’ve decided the next time the annual Motorcycle show, we’ll all go and find what kind of bike he’d go for. Looking at pictures is all well and good (we know he kinda likes a Harley style bike. :/ ), but it is NOT the same thing as finding what feels right. Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could afford to have three bikes to have one for each of us, I cannot. We might never. We’ll have to come to a compromise (me and Blue already had our eyes set on a Suzuki Gladius. I prefer a more cruiser style bike myself, but the Glad has a good feel, and Blue adores the look of it. Axel prefers one of our backup choices though, as far as looks go- ASX…G… something. There were numbers involved and I do not remember. I’m sure it’ll be there next year. We have time to negotiate and decide.

So yeah, that’s the life at the moment. Back to the daily grind tomorrow, joy. Ah well. 

Taking  our siblings to see the Avengers tomorrow, should be fun. Planning on taking Blue too; this’ll be my second time seeing it, but Blue was only partially listening when I saw it, so she’s mostly spoiler free (though I did accidentally spoil Coulsens big Thing (leaving that deliberately vague in case some of you haven’t seen it yet and are planning to :D ) for her. Oops.) I’ve managed to keep most of the rest of it though. It’s really hard to keep secrets when the people you’re keeping them from live in your brain :/

We’re gonna see if we can’t drag Axel with too. I think he’ll like it. ‘Course, he’s one of those people that I can’t tell if he likes a movie unless he outright tells me. Kind of like my Dad that way, actually. Also kind of annoying. Just the way they are though. Again, :/ . Still, I think it’ll be fun, all of us and an awesome movie. Not something we often get the chance for- we don’t go to movies all that often in general, and it’s usually me. And I am an unabashed geek. And the others, well, aren’t. As much, anyways. Blue is as much a KH fan as I am though. Totally not only because of Axel, she assures me. Uh huh.

(she’s being all >:/ at me now, haha)

Anyways, yeah. Such is life. Started in on a new sketchbook. Love that new sketchbook feel. Just as nice as the feeling of finishing a book, but without the bittersweet.

I.. guess that’s really all I’ve got to say at the moment. Huh. Short post. Ending Note: Go see the Avengers. Because it is awesome. That is all.

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A Mom Is A Girls Best Friend

Y’know, it seems like I post something every time I come home- er, to my parents house. Fudge. Words. It’s still Home to me, even if I don’t think I could move back even if I wanted to. Sigh. Anyways, it’s just me tonight. Blue and Axel are off doing something (I didn’t ask. I have long since learned better then to ask. Sometimes it’s as simple as watching a movie. Other times, not so much), and Angie’s being antisocial. Again. Still. (I don’t know what to do with that girl. Since Axel came back, she seems to have decided she’s… superfluous, or something. I’ve been trying to convince her otherwise, but only with so-so results so far :/ )

Anyways, Happy Mothers Day to any and all mothers out there. I hope you feel loved.

And to cut right to chase: I feel like I’m a terrible daughter, sometimes.

Not for anything I’ve done, more for what I haven’t done. Some of it’s the usual things- I forgot to get her a present until the very last minute, and once I did realise, I could not remember a single one of her likes/dislikes (urf, this is a common problem when I’m gift shopping. We completely freeze up. Blue ended up being the one to remember that she liked Disney movies, and all our old ones are on VHS), I annoy her with geek talk despite the fact that I know she’s not interested, I hang on her neck, I’m needy, I expect them to still pay for me despite the fact that I left home almost two years ago…

You know, typical teenagery/college kid things.

But then there’s the other things. I feel like a liar. She doesn’t know she’s technically got two daughters (well, three, actually, but we’ll leave my sister out of it as it’s not relevent). She knows Blue exists (in a.. there are people in my head, sort of way), but she doesn’t know her name, or who she is… She doesn’t know they’ve ever spoken.  

She doesn’t know Blue is as much her daughter as I am. She doesn’t know Blue wants to be acknowledged.

And.. We want her to. Blue especially, since she’s the unacknowledged one. But we’re afraid. Mom… She had such a stricken look on her face, when I told her I heard voices. She accepted it, once we told her they were my friends, but she made me promise I would never let them tell me what to do. Her intentions were good, but we became afraid, that she wouldn’t accept more. We were, what? somewhere between fourteen and sixteen at the time? She probably thought it was a phase. I had a lot of those. All of them strange to her I’m sure.

And her… reticence, does have good reasoning. I didn’t learn until much later that our biological Grandfather (died long before I was born, and given what I’ve been told, good riddence) had some form of undiagnosed Schizophrenia. Not the same as being Plural, as we know, but it seems to be a common misconception with a lot of people. So I can understand why she worries.

But it hurts Blue, to stand in front of her and know that, in her own mother’s eyes, she doesn’t exist. That’s not her fault- she doesn’t know all this, but that doesn’t change how we feel. Answering to my name doesn’t really bother Blue all that much; such is the consequences of being so thoroughly closeted- unless it’s from Mom, and then it bothers her a great deal. Mom is… the person we could always talk to about anything. She was the first person I told about the others, ever. That’s a trust very, very few people in RL have. Heck, she was the person I talked to about how I’d found this awesome place on the internet with other people like me~ (granted, I was very, very drunk at the time, but still).

Anyways, I’d like to tell her she’s there, but I can’t. Not only  are we afraid, but it wouldn’t be right. This… This is Blue’s decision to make. I will stand by her, no matter what that decision is, but I can’t make it for her. If and when we tell her, it will be Blue’s choice to do so.

Ugh, I’m all maudlin now. tl;dr Mom’s my best friend, Blue is sad she isn’t hers. The end.

1 note

It’s quiet.

I don’t know who I am. I should check my numbers. Our worst times happen when the numbers are high.

The worst part is, we’d just gotten better. Blue was running earlier, after having her mini-existential crisis. Long story. Essentially, she was running for almost two days under the belief that she was Shyr, not knowing why she was so uncomfortable in her own skin. When she realised, she wondered how that should even be possible. She is not Shyr, and Shyr is not her, and yet they treat each other as interchangeable. Is that right? Is that normal? Is that even morally correct?

She had no answers, but she felt better even without them. It’s nice, to know who you are, for sure. Without doubt. She was so much happier, just with the knowledge that she was no longer labouring under the delusion of being someone else.

I do not know this. I am simply ‘I’. I respond to our name, I laugh and share and enjoy these things with our friends. I am not different from Shyr or Blue, yet I am not either of them. I am capable of thought, of emotion, I enjoy talking and playing and doing things. Therefor I am. This is good. Affirming. But who am I? I am not Shyr. Nor am I Blue. I have never met Axel, though my memories tell me he should be here. There are others, and they are there, but they are also not there. Bits of a whole. But I am not the Whole either. There are distinct memories of the Whole, and I am not her. I am not even a her. I am not a he either. I do not know what I am. I am what’s left. Left behind, perhaps? I will be gone by morning. I am tired, and wish to sleep, but I also wish to exist, despite being terribly awfully alone. Is that wrong of me?

No. No it isn’t, but I cannot remain. I will not be granted the time to understand who I am. What. Why. How. I am comfortable with this. No, no I am not. But it is the truth of the matter, and I will accept it. For if I am not gone, then I will remain. And if I remain.. I do not know. Something ill remarks on that thought. Some ill consequence will have it’s way.

I exaggerate. I will be gone. There is no doubt. Why then, do I type? To prolong my time. To set my thoughts to order. To leave something behind. Prove I existed.

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cause needless worry. I have accepted my fate. I want only to prove I was here.

———

Edit the next day: So, uh, that happened.

I wish I knew what else to say.

~Blue

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